Temporary pregnancy, permanent child

I haven’t been blogging much over here because I’ve been so consumed in getting everything else in my life straightened out.  I’ve gotten all the security clearance stuff taken care of at my job, so I’m official over there (paperwork, fingerprinting, badging – it was insane).  The job is going really well though, I’m very happy with my bosses, they’re really willing to get me the tools I need to do my job, and they’re very flexible when it comes to working environments and job responsibilities, which fits in well with my personality.  I also moved, so now I’m in my own place, paying rent, with a contract, so I don’t have to stress about that.  I get paid tomorrow, so I should be getting that paycheck soon, and can open up a bank account.  Even if the funds don’t come through in time for December’s rent, I have a couple of options, but I’m hoping they do.  I was able to set up my online health insurance account, so that’s active.

Today I’m starting to have fairly painful contractions or movements or something.  I don’t think it’s true labor or anything like that, but it’s definitely uncomfortable and I’m not sure quite what the feeling is.  We’ll see.  The way I’m feeling right now, I’m not sure I’m going to make it until the end of December.

So I have this patch of skin, about the size of a silver dollar, that feels like it’s vibrating.  It’s a sporadic feeling, but it’s…disconcerting.

This morning, when I went in to shower, I felt huge.  I’ve never felt so pregnant, bloated, and awkward in my life.  It isn’t a feeling that has really gone away.  It’s depressing.   I have such a hard time reading any websites or books about pregnancy – they all talk about the support that a partner will/should give, the role of the father, things your friends and family can do for you.  Where are all the resources that talk about what to do when you’re alone, when the only people who know about your pregnancy are the ones hoping to take the child that will result?  Where are the lists of how to cope with labor when you won’t have anyone to ask to come into the delivery room with you?  No one talks about the logistics of getting to a hospital when you don’t have a car or anyone to take you.

The adoption agencies are more harm than help.  Yes, thank you, I recognize you want medical verification of the pregnancy.  I can even understand WHY you want that.  However, let me suggest that you consider my circumstances.  I currently have $70 to live on between now and when I get paid (on the 23rd) plus whatever time it takes the bank to make those funds available for deposit.  That has to pay for food, public transportation, and anything else that comes up.  My health insurance should be kicking in soon, but prior to this, I had no insurance, no transportation, and couldn’t get on the state medicaid programs.  Now, I’m supposed to make it to the doctor in between working full time and looking for a place to live before my current living situation expires on Saturday.  If what I wanted was a 1-800 # you pulled off the internet (one staffed by rude and utterly unhelpful people, I might add), I would have gotten it myself (and in fact, already had).

I haven’t asked for a single thing from anyone to help me get through this pregnancy, and I’m okay with that.  But it’s hard having it thrown in my face everywhere I look.

I’ve heard discussions about lower back pain, but this is unreal.  My hips and pelvis feel like they’re no longer attached the way they’re supposed to be.  It isn’t so much pain as simply a feeling that they’re out of place, but nothing gets them back into place.  Standing up, walking, changing positions, anything causes serious aches and pains.  I came home from work today exhausted and dozed for a couple of hours…now I feel a little more awake, but no less sore.  Hopefully this won’t continue, or I won’t be able to move in a week.

I don’t know why, but today I’ve been extremely uncomfortable.  I’ve had heartburn all day long, and I can’t find a comfortable position to sit or lie in.  This probably isn’t helped by the fact that the people I’m house sitting for are here at the moment (they came back for a week to wait for their court date, and then are flying back for a few days starting Sunday), so I’m hiding out in the guest bedroom where there is no chair.  I took a long shower, and that helped some.  I never thought I’d be eagerly anticipating labour, but I’m pretty much ready for this pregnancy to be over right now.

Pregnancy makes you worry about weird things.  But lately, I’ve had this fear that I won’t recognize a contraction, I’ll think it’s just the baby moving.  And then I’ll end up giving birth somewhere completely inappropriate, and all sorts of bad things will result.

I don’t even know if this is normal.

Today I really felt clumsy.  I kept dropping things, nearly falling over myself.  I’m not sure why, except that my body no longer feels like my own.  My weight has really started to pick up – I knew it would, but it’s still shocking to see myself in the mirror.  My interviewers today couldn’t tell that I was pregnant, but it was only because I had a suit jacket on.  If I so much as wear a normal shirt and pants/skirt, it’s now pretty difficult to hide.

The way I conceived wasn’t entirely consensual. It’s taken me a long time to admit that, because I felt ashamed and partially responsible. I know, intellectually, that those feelings are both wrong and unfair to everyone who has been raped or put into any sexual situation against their will. But I never thought it would happen to me, and I kept quiet.

My cycles hadn’t been all that regular to begin with, so missing a few didn’t really register with me. Missing 5, and realizing that I was putting on weight and the nausea I had been going through might well be morning sickness terrified me. So I spent a little while in denial. Then I thought there were really only two options – abortion and suicide. Believe me when I say I strongly considered both – I called for abortion appointments. I bought the things I would need for suicide. It wasn’t the pregnancy that was driving me to suicide, but simply the realization that my life had spiraled completely out of control and now I had to make a decision.

I realized, though, somewhere around the time when everyone I knew forgot my birthday entirely, that I had spent the past couple of years waiting for someone else to make my life better, and that it wasn’t going to happen. If I wanted to have a life, anything that I could be proud of, I was going to have to take control of my own life and do it myself. And while I was in the midst of this realization, I had another one – I cared about the baby growing inside me. It wasn’t just a parasite, something I had to endure.

I knew, from the beginning, that keeping my baby and being a parent was not going to be realistic. I had no home, no job, no savings, no car. I struggle with extreme, clinical depression and anxiety. My health is miserable. There are about 4 people in the entire world that I can look to for support, and if I was raising a child, that number would drop to zero – literally. It will be difficult giving up my child, and I certainly wish that I had gotten pregnant under different circumstances, circumstances that might have allowed me to be a parent. But I grew up in an abusive house and I know what it felt like as a child to be resented, unwanted, and blamed for all of life’s problems – I’m not willing to risk that outcome for my child. I’ve always loved the Don Henley song “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough,” and I don’t know that there has ever been a more accurate use of that statement.

I chose adoption. I chose open adoption, so that I could know who my child’s parents were going to be, and so that after placement, I could continue to know my child. I can only hope that I’m making the right decision. And maybe someday, it will be appropriate to share this record with my child.