Archive for November 12, 2007

vibrating stomach and venting

{ November 12, 2007 @ 8:09 pm } · { pregnancy }
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So I have this patch of skin, about the size of a silver dollar, that feels like it’s vibrating.  It’s a sporadic feeling, but it’s…disconcerting.

This morning, when I went in to shower, I felt huge.  I’ve never felt so pregnant, bloated, and awkward in my life.  It isn’t a feeling that has really gone away.  It’s depressing.   I have such a hard time reading any websites or books about pregnancy – they all talk about the support that a partner will/should give, the role of the father, things your friends and family can do for you.  Where are all the resources that talk about what to do when you’re alone, when the only people who know about your pregnancy are the ones hoping to take the child that will result?  Where are the lists of how to cope with labor when you won’t have anyone to ask to come into the delivery room with you?  No one talks about the logistics of getting to a hospital when you don’t have a car or anyone to take you.

The adoption agencies are more harm than help.  Yes, thank you, I recognize you want medical verification of the pregnancy.  I can even understand WHY you want that.  However, let me suggest that you consider my circumstances.  I currently have $70 to live on between now and when I get paid (on the 23rd) plus whatever time it takes the bank to make those funds available for deposit.  That has to pay for food, public transportation, and anything else that comes up.  My health insurance should be kicking in soon, but prior to this, I had no insurance, no transportation, and couldn’t get on the state medicaid programs.  Now, I’m supposed to make it to the doctor in between working full time and looking for a place to live before my current living situation expires on Saturday.  If what I wanted was a 1-800 # you pulled off the internet (one staffed by rude and utterly unhelpful people, I might add), I would have gotten it myself (and in fact, already had).

I haven’t asked for a single thing from anyone to help me get through this pregnancy, and I’m okay with that.  But it’s hard having it thrown in my face everywhere I look.

two sides of a coin

{ November 12, 2007 @ 7:52 pm } · { matching }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

I was reading the blog of a prospective set of adoptive parents based on a comment.  I have to say, I really like the fact that they’re blogging this journey – it’s really scary to try and pick a set of parents based solely off of a website they’ve written up and edited and had vetted by probably 2/3s of the known world to sell themselves.  But reading her posts made me think about where I’m coming from versus where they’re coming from.

It seems, if you’re on my end of the pregnancy, you end up scared that your life is over.  If you’re looking to adopt, you’re scared that your life (as a mom, a dad, a family, whatever) won’t begin.  But there is still the same sense of fear, a recognition that you’ve started on a process where you don’t have control of the direction your life is going to go in.  I wonder how much conflict between birth mothers and adoptive parents after placement is caused by the need to reestablish control over things in their lives after not having it for so long.

That’s probably a little too much navel-gazing when you’re 7.5 months pregnant.