I’ve heard discussions about lower back pain, but this is unreal. My hips and pelvis feel like they’re no longer attached the way they’re supposed to be. It isn’t so much pain as simply a feeling that they’re out of place, but nothing gets them back into place. Standing up, walking, changing positions, anything causes serious aches and pains. I came home from work today exhausted and dozed for a couple of hours…now I feel a little more awake, but no less sore. Hopefully this won’t continue, or I won’t be able to move in a week.
my heartburn is back!
I don’t know why, but today I’ve been extremely uncomfortable. I’ve had heartburn all day long, and I can’t find a comfortable position to sit or lie in. This probably isn’t helped by the fact that the people I’m house sitting for are here at the moment (they came back for a week to wait for their court date, and then are flying back for a few days starting Sunday), so I’m hiding out in the guest bedroom where there is no chair. I took a long shower, and that helped some. I never thought I’d be eagerly anticipating labour, but I’m pretty much ready for this pregnancy to be over right now.
how to tell?
Pregnancy makes you worry about weird things. But lately, I’ve had this fear that I won’t recognize a contraction, I’ll think it’s just the baby moving. And then I’ll end up giving birth somewhere completely inappropriate, and all sorts of bad things will result.
I don’t even know if this is normal.
Things not to do when you’re looking to adopt
I know there are a lot of prospective adoptive parents out there. I’m sure most of them are, at heart, good people who would truly love a child. But there are some things that I’ve seen consistently that you just shouldn’t do.
If there is a major issue that you know will be a concern, don’t wait until 3-4 weeks into talking to discuss it. I’m talking about speaking to two expectant mothers, due around the same time, about adopting simultaneously, while knowing that your agency has a problem with this.
Be up front with what it is you want. Look, I know you want to get as many mothers contacting you as possible, because most of the contacts aren’t going to work out. But if you’re not going to accept my child anyway, I’d rather know that now, then find out after I pour out my life story to you. This is emotional for me, too, and I end up feeling like you’ve rejected both me and my child, and it would have been easier on everyone if you had just put this information in your profile to start with.
Finally, don’t force the expectant mother to come up with everything to say on the first few contacts. I’m scared, I’m ashamed, I’m feeling awkward, and I’m the one sending out letters saying “hi, I’m going to have a baby, are you interested?” I know it’s not easy on you, you’re being judged too – but you’ve been preparing for this for months or years. Sound welcoming, inviting, and help me through the periods where I want to just curl up and hide from everything.
I’ll close with a suggestion. There are a lot of parents out there who have written a blog about their adoption experiences. Write one about your experiences trying to adopt. Use it as a window into what your life is like, your thoughts and feelings. I guarantee you, if I came across a blog like this one of a family looking to adopt, I would be falling over myself to contact them.
Clumsiness
Today I really felt clumsy. I kept dropping things, nearly falling over myself. I’m not sure why, except that my body no longer feels like my own. My weight has really started to pick up – I knew it would, but it’s still shocking to see myself in the mirror. My interviewers today couldn’t tell that I was pregnant, but it was only because I had a suit jacket on. If I so much as wear a normal shirt and pants/skirt, it’s now pretty difficult to hide.
Conception – from the beginning
The way I conceived wasn’t entirely consensual. It’s taken me a long time to admit that, because I felt ashamed and partially responsible. I know, intellectually, that those feelings are both wrong and unfair to everyone who has been raped or put into any sexual situation against their will. But I never thought it would happen to me, and I kept quiet.
My cycles hadn’t been all that regular to begin with, so missing a few didn’t really register with me. Missing 5, and realizing that I was putting on weight and the nausea I had been going through might well be morning sickness terrified me. So I spent a little while in denial. Then I thought there were really only two options – abortion and suicide. Believe me when I say I strongly considered both – I called for abortion appointments. I bought the things I would need for suicide. It wasn’t the pregnancy that was driving me to suicide, but simply the realization that my life had spiraled completely out of control and now I had to make a decision.
I realized, though, somewhere around the time when everyone I knew forgot my birthday entirely, that I had spent the past couple of years waiting for someone else to make my life better, and that it wasn’t going to happen. If I wanted to have a life, anything that I could be proud of, I was going to have to take control of my own life and do it myself. And while I was in the midst of this realization, I had another one – I cared about the baby growing inside me. It wasn’t just a parasite, something I had to endure.
I knew, from the beginning, that keeping my baby and being a parent was not going to be realistic. I had no home, no job, no savings, no car. I struggle with extreme, clinical depression and anxiety. My health is miserable. There are about 4 people in the entire world that I can look to for support, and if I was raising a child, that number would drop to zero – literally. It will be difficult giving up my child, and I certainly wish that I had gotten pregnant under different circumstances, circumstances that might have allowed me to be a parent. But I grew up in an abusive house and I know what it felt like as a child to be resented, unwanted, and blamed for all of life’s problems – I’m not willing to risk that outcome for my child. I’ve always loved the Don Henley song “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough,” and I don’t know that there has ever been a more accurate use of that statement.
I chose adoption. I chose open adoption, so that I could know who my child’s parents were going to be, and so that after placement, I could continue to know my child. I can only hope that I’m making the right decision. And maybe someday, it will be appropriate to share this record with my child.
